Letting Go Letter

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We all know that “letting go” is one of the hardest part of a relationship especially when you know from your heart that you still love that person but things are just not getting any better. “Letting go” requires time to really think especially when it is something that has been a VERY significant part of your life for many years. You also don’t want to play with your partners emotions by breaking-up now with all the drama speeches but will still get back together the next day. Well, that should be normal. But too much is very unhealthy (I can attest to that because that’s what I’ve been doing. Whenever there is just a minor misunderstanding, I always settle it by breaking up out of anger. Thus, I always regret it the following day. There I just times when I knew I am being a spoiled brat but I still kept doing it. So yah, I get a fair-share of why our relationship has gotten so dysfunctional. If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the experience, that should be not making decisions when I’m angry.) In addition, you also need to be emotionally strong in order to properly discuss about it with your partner. “Properly” means in the right tone, the right way, the right time, the right place and without getting misunderstood (as much as possible).

 

As for me, I honestly don’t know how to best assess on when is the perfect time to let go. I’ve been in a long distance relationship for four wonderful years. I say wonderful because there were more great memories shared than bad. However, there were some things that eventually went out of control especially with the distance (though in the beginning, I thought we were “super couple” and we can push past the distance 😦 ). It was like today we both wake up feeling so madly in love with each other, the next day we just wake up realizing that we were both unconsciously strangling each other. All we wanted to do was just to let go and to stop hurting each other. We both put an extra effort to make things work but the painful pattern of non-sense arguments is just getting worse and worse and worse until I just can’t handle any longer and the only way is to let go. I knew he was suffering too.

 

Of course, it was super heart-breaking. But I bet pushing ourselves to a very dysfunctional relationship is far more painful. I know I was the one who insisted on the decision but trust me, it was hurting me. It backfired so bad. I think this is the true essence of loving people. Withstanding the pain and learning to set them free or even encourage them to explore especially when they can potentially have better life away from me (just like what I’m doing to my dad now..Sigh! -.-). And for myself, on the other hand, I also get to have more time for myself and the things I really want to do. I believe relationship is a “trial-and-error” and life is full of chances. We have to take time to look around before we decide on tying our knot to someone we will spend for the rest of our lives with. On a lighter note, I also never regret in allowing myself into such relationship. Like I said, it’s been really wonderful. There may be heartaches but there were many lessons learned which I hope I can bring forward to foster a better relationship with someone who is willing to take a plunge with me.

 

Anyways, I would like to share my letting go letter to my ex which I wrote few months back. Don’t worry, I did took time (months specifically) to think before I decided on this letter (no wonder I’ve written quite long..^_^).  I wrote this for his birthday. We haven’t talk for a while back then and I was hoping he will at least know that he’s been in my thoughts.  I am happy that he has taken my letter in a positive way and now we are good friends.  I’m sharing this in case this can help enlighten those who are facing the same situation too. Here you go:

 

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I’ve been quite but I think it was a magnificent kind of 4-year relationship for me not to say anything. I’m sorry I didn’t have the courage to say these words that weighed on my tongue for months. But ya, this should be the day.

 

(..not really sure how to start though )

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ErrrRRmm….
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Well….it has been months since the last time we talked. And last time, I thought we were maybe going to be OK. It’s funny how we both even thought to just end up everything during our last trip. But I’m glad we still managed to give ourselves another chance. Though little did we know, that “another chance” is only to prove that it’s just not really going to work. TBH, over the next few days from that trip, I thought we were stitching us back together, but it all unraveled. Everything was just falling apart.
I wish I knew how to mend.

All of the words necessary for a decent explanation could never fit in this post. We both made mistakes, most of them unintentional. We both let our worst beliefs about ourselves get in the way. I pushed you away without meaning to and eventually, you returned the favor. And yes, you wanted to come back. But this time, as you deftly unwound the threads of our misunderstandings, I felt my anxiety evaporated. I’m sorry if I just can’t give in any longer. Eventually, there came a point where it became clearer to me that insisting on holding on to you was doing us both more harm than good, and I knew I had to let go. It wasn’t what I wanted, but I knew that one day I have to be brave enough to break my own heart and hope everything around us will get better. I’m sorry if that resulted me in breaking yours, too.

What happened was so messy. God, it was messy. But it was a beautiful mess.

Falling for you was one of the easiest things I’ve ever done. I will always be glad for you — for the way you came around and showed me that the kind of man I didn’t believe in does exist.

But as easy as it was falling for you, it also terrified me, fueling anxieties and subconscious insecurities. I was waiting for unquestionable proof that you’d choose me, for you to spell it out or meet me half-way from our different worlds. It make sense that you were having second thoughts (though I do appreciate the attempts). Truth be told, I wasn’t ready, either; for going into your world nor taking you out from it (and how dare me expecting you to do something I can’t even do myself). But then again, I don’t think either of us thought we were going to find something worthy of being ready for, so of course we just took the chance of falling for each other.

But on the other hand, I learned so much from you and the collision of us. It pushed me towards growth and healing, towards doing the work I’d never before found a reason to do. It broke my heart open in all the best and worst ways. I am a better human because of you and the sh*t we accidentally put each other through, and the moments of incredible tenderness you showed me.

Today, we may not be talking to each other on your birthday like the past years, but please know I think of you often. I hope you are well. I hope you have found tremendous happiness, in inverse proportion to the unhappiness you felt the past months because of what we are going through. I hope you have been able to love yourself, as much (or even more) than the rest of us love you, me included. I never had the guts to tell you lately, but I loved you. God, I loved you. That changed me. It changed everything.

Thank you..
..for keeping me company when I was sick..
..for annoying me when I first fried an egg and made it too salty,
..for telling me how you really loved my shrimp recipe
..for being there for me and my mom during our darkest days
..for helping out my lil brother when he is running short of his allowance,
..for watching me sleep despite the distance (thank u Skype!)
..and for wrapping your arms around me when I just suddenly cried in the midst of my sleep.
Thank you for showing me something about love until we couldn’t anymore (thank you for trying to push past that anyway).

Most of all, thank you for letting me love you, even though I am now having hard time to put them into words.

Please believe me when I say that I let go, but I did not give up on you. That was never an option. But hurting each other because we didn’t have the energy to do the right things by each other wasn’t an option, either. I had to stop chasing your love for now and start giving it to myself — and I suspected you needed to do the same.

I’m sorry for the ways I hurt you (even from the very start). I’m sorry I didn’t just ask what you really wanted and that I did not believe it could be me. I am sorry it all fell apart.


Still, I wish you a Happy Birthday!

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