I still remember everything so clearly in my head that very first night we met. You were very reserved and I am always that chatty, annoying brat. I am a woman with unclear life goals. I wanted to do so many things that I tend to change major life plans for like every five months. But unlike everyone else, you made me feel better about myself. You helped me see good in every bad of me. My mind just can’t help going back to the lovely things you said that night and the way it felt so right with you. You just have this amazing way of turning simple sentences into the most beautiful poetry a woman could ever hear.
Yet, as you carefully utter your words and as I hung unto them, I can’t help to notice the type of person you are. You are a brilliant self-made entrepreneur. Job comes first in all your situations. You have exceptional skills and excels in almost anything you set your sights on. Pretty impressive!
But above all, I chose to hang unto you mainly because like me, you also have your “dark side”. You harbor a painful secret about your very difficult start in life. Right then, I knew you were a perfect grave where I can bury my deepest secrets with. We share deep thoughts and I hoped that we may find balance between our need of mere companionship and hide the wounds from our pasts. And maybe, just maybe, we can find something more from each other. Yes, more than just a mere companionship.
But as months passed by, our conversations got shorter until almost nothing. I don’t know how it happened. The days just went by and the conversations we used to have about everything became one way street, between me and your one-word responses. The wave of “deadness” that submerged into our unlabeled relationship after the first thrilling months have caused me to lose hope. I tried to tell you but just when I started, you turned your back and walked away like you don’t give a damn.
Days got worse that there were no longer holding hands situation other than just walking me out of the bar and leading me upstairs to your studio. Yes, you called me ‘baby’ at 4AM but i know you no longer mean it. The way you held my face or ran your fingers through my hair and wrap your arms around me just became so meaningless.
Now I am confused. Are you just busy? or did I do something wrong? I don’t really know. There are so many possibilities but there are only few questions wandering in my head. Why did you tell me all those things that night? Why did you made me feel so special? Why did you said all those things you knew would lure me into you? Why did you made me so vulnerable and then feel like nothing? Why are you now leaving me hanging onto something instead of just telling me straight in the eye?
A part of me, just a tiny part of me, is a little saddened by this. I wish I could ask you all these. But a bigger part of me knows better. A bigger part of me knows not to dwell on the pain. A bigger part of me is just too empty to care. In the very first place, there was never an us. I knew that I will never be that girl you will fall in love with. I knew that you are just too successful to settle with such an incompetent woman like me. Yes, I knew all that. Yet, I allowed myself to be trapped spontaneously to this dreadful emotion. I allowed myself to give us a chance. But I hoped for too much and now I messed up. Now, I messed my heart, again.
But then, don’t be too confident that you know me well enough. I may be very submissive and very open to you from the start, but I have been keeping some for myself. I have been through hell in life not to learn to save some strength. Yes! I maybe be struggling for now but I can’t wait for that day when I am finally done persuading myself to hold on to you; that day when I can finally learn to tell you that what it means to be with you now is no longer that typical butterfly-inducing kind of feeling.
And most of all, I can’t wait for that day when I can finally tell you one of the greatest curated secrets from you —- that I am not stupid. I maybe confused with my life plans for now because I have too many great plans. But no, I am not stupid. One day, I will be able to figure out what’s best for me and find my worth because I know I am so much more than the worth you gave me. And when I do, you will regret that you chose not to care and broke me down instead. When I do, I will make sure that the only thing you can do is fill your heart with sorrow and watch me soar because I have grown so much stronger and I WILL NEVER EVER BE COMING BACK TO YOU.